


You don't know what you've got until it's gone

by Brilliant_fantastic_geronimo



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crying, F/F, Feels, Implied Thasmin, Lots of Crying, Maybe fluff if you s q u i n t, Post The Timeless Children, Read at Your Own Risk, The Author Regrets Nothing, this is s a d
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24586780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brilliant_fantastic_geronimo/pseuds/Brilliant_fantastic_geronimo
Summary: "She got us home. But what happens to her?"
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Kudos: 12





	You don't know what you've got until it's gone

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song: Let Her Go by Passenger  
> https://youtu.be/dT4A3rttrs8

"She got us home. But what happens to her?"

The silence that followed Yaz's question was almost defening. The words resting heavily on the shoulders of all those lucky enough to make it back to Earth as they looked up at the sky from which they had flown with a new, uneasy sence of loss.

✩★✩

"I was gonna tell her. I was gonna tell her!" Yaz cried into her mug later that evening as her mother sat rubbing soothing circles on her back. She took a sip from the tea made to calm her down, but it only tasted of bitter tears and heart wrenching confessions. She it placed back on the table. "I was gonna tell her mum, as soon as we'd escaped that stupid planet. From the Master, and the Cybermen. I-I had it all planned out in my head. We'd be in the c-control room, alone, and I'd just tell her a-and .... I'm never going to get to say it am I?"

Najia sighed and rested a hand on her daughters neck, pulling her into her chest and placing a kiss on the top of her head, "She'll be ok." She whispered into dark brown hair.

"No- No she's not. She won't. She's out there, a-and she's alone and she's d-"  
The end of her sentence was dropped abruptly as she realised how conclusive the final word was.

It was over. Everything she'd seen and done and felt and experienced in the last year was gone. Snatched from her like candy from a baby with no regard as to how much she needed it to survive. Travelling with the Doctor was everything she never knew she wanted. As soon as the enigmatic alien had crashed through that train and into her life, Yaz had dug her fingers in and held on with all her might. Never wanting to let go because the more the Doctor opened her eyes to everything around her, the more she saw how much she had been missing before.   
Of course she had understood the consequences, the danger, the shadow of destruction that seemed to follow the Doctor everywhere she went but not once, not once did she stop to think about what would happen if that shadow ever caught up. 

✩★✩

Sleep eluded her for many nights, but the occasions where she would finally slip into unconsciousness increased the chances of those rare, rare times she would dream.   
Her mind racing with everything she'd seen and done. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the adrenalin. A cocktail of chemicals mixing in her brain to form the perfect image of her Doctor every time she closed her eyes. But she was unreachable, always just a step ahead and never to keep.  
Everything, flashing behind her eyes at a million thoughts per minute. Too fast. They were practically over before they even began. Never still long enough for her to reach out and grab it, staying only to give her enough time to remember before crashing in around her like a burning building off loss and regret and failure. Leaving her hot and sticky, panting as she stared blankly at the ceiling above her bed in the deep and lonely dark. Yaz lived hoping one day, just one day, she could make a dream last.

✩★✩

"Nani? Is it possible to love someone too much?"   
8 months later and she's still asking, she still needs to know. The tiny glint of hope that had been flickering away inside her, that had been nurtured and protected by her mum, by Ryan and Graham; it was dying. It's light diminishing as the days passed and the truth sunk in. 

"How do you mean Yazmin?" 

"If you love someone to the point where your heart hurts to know that they're gone; like physically aches when they're not around. If your skin tingles and you just can't stop smiling when you think of them, or when you remember their laugh. Do you love them too much?"

"Yasmin. Love isn't just another strong emotion like anger or joy, it's the absolute connection between two people. Emotions, feelings, they all change. They fade out and they die, transforming into something new. But love is constant. Love is unwavering and untouchable. But think about it like this, if you dived too hard, too fast, too deep into a pool, and you run out of air before you reach the surface again. You might never escape. Love can be much the same. If you throw yourself too hard and too fast into it, and something goes wrong, you've got no escape, no means of resurfacing. It's going to keep dragging you down until it consumes you." Umbreen places a hand lightly on her granddaughter's shoulder and keeps her tone soft, "I know she's gone, and I know you miss her terribly, but you need to start swimming. Kick yourself back up to the surface before it's too late. Before you drown and we loose you again."

✩★✩

Yaz takes her Nani's words and locks them away. Shuts them into a part of her brain only opened again when that same cold, empty feeling in her heart comes back as soon as the sun sets. She didn't know how much she loved the Doctor until she'd let her go. Didn't know how much of a dream she had been living. How high up in the clouds she was until she was freefalling back to Earth, and she was so close to landing. Hitting rock bottom with a sickening thud that she'd never get up from. 

She didn't know what she had until she'd lost everything.


End file.
